mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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