Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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