also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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