i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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