Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
