I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
