youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
