he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
