I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
