Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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