When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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