Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
