my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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