3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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