Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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