No awkward lesbian experiences without me
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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