I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
