I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
