His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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