(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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