You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
