Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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