We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
