3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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