Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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