I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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