Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
