Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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