I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
