She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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