I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I showed him my bush... on skype.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Randomize
