You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
