I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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