So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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