yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
