i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Randomize
