So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
