I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
