I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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