I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
