My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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