just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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