My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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