Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
