Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
