Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
