Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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