i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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