i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
