I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
