Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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