dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Randomize
