my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Randomize
