I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
