she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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