theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
