Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
