Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
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The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
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Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
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