I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
