omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
