Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
