I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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