they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
yeah, it was that bad.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in